


Beneath Secrets

by JaziandCo



Series: Secrets - Shadowhunters (TV) [3]
Category: Shadowhunters (TV)
Genre: 1.06 ficlet, Gen, M/M, Mild Transphobia, Pre-Relationship, Trans Male Character, again mostly internalized by Alec but you know, mild homophobia, transgender alec
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-07-06
Updated: 2017-07-06
Packaged: 2018-11-28 15:22:04
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,076
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11420766
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/JaziandCo/pseuds/JaziandCo
Summary: But the timing was poor and it’s just one more thing on Alec’s shoulders. It’s always been a poorly kept secret that the eldest Lightwood did not do well with stress. It’s also been a poorly kept secret that he would do anything, anything to gain his parents’ approval.





	Beneath Secrets

_ Fuck _ boxes.

 

Alec was having a  _ day _ . A week? Clary had snuck out right as Magnus called him, wanting  _ a date _ of all things. And Alec couldn’t concentrate on that because he was stuck trying to corral a mundane that really,  _ really _ wanted to get dead and was really,  _ really _ bad at following orders. Stay here, Clary. Immediately disappears. Perfect. At least he found her quickly when he rang her phone once he got Magnus off the line. He’d deal with his not-so-secret admirer later. He had bigger things to worry about.

 

Like Jace still following at Clary’s heels like a touch-starved dog. And the  _ other _ mundane Clary keeps dragging around with them. Stephen? Sharon? Simon? He was pretty sure it’s Simon. And the werewolf alpha practically eating Clary’s dear werewolf father figure as a late night snack. And his parents coming back to the Institute. And his fight with Jace over the fact that he’s prioritizing a mundane over literally everything Shadowhunter.

 

Okay, so he was a little bitter about Jace. He was also a little bitter that he still hasn’t had any time to sort things away, to compartmentalize and return to his order and lists and rules. He was no longer internally flinching at “Alexis”, now he knew his eyelid has started to betray him and twitch along with his brain. Dammit. Izzy had brought it up when she tried to comfort him, but he’d ended up snapping at her. He knew he’d have to apologize later for that- sometimes his temper spoke faster than his heart. It was a character flaw he had been working on, and one he’d have to wrangle back under control if he was ever to be the Head of the Institute.

 

After Alec’s father had demanded he find Clary- who was not lost, just  _ elsewhere _ with Jace and Simon- and stormed out of the room, Alec had called Jace’s phone to perhaps prickle at him a bit over this. He heard Jace answer, and snapped “You need to get back to the Institute” perhaps a little more harshly than he should have.

 

“You need to help me first.” And his temper was now rising. Good, great. Apparently either Jace is really bad at reading his emotions through their bond or he just didn't care.

 

“No, I’m not playing around.” Alec’s teeth were practically bared at this point.

 

“Neither am I. Look, I need your help.”

 

Oh. Well. That would almost sound like contrition if he didn’t know Jace better than he knew himself. Still- a brother in need is one Alec is well prepared to respond to. “You okay?” he asked, not feeling pain or panic through the bond but not trusting his own turbulent emotions not to block that out. Maybe that’s the bug that’s been up Jace’s ass.

 

“Not me- it’s Magnus.” What? “He needs your… powerful… Shadowhunter energy or something like that.”

 

Jace was a lot of things, but he wasn't even remotely a good liar. Alec didn’t know  _ what _ exactly Magnus had called him, but he guessed that  _ powerful _ was probably not his choice in words. “Magn- Wh- Why does Magnus need me?”

 

“To help save Luke’s life.”

 

“No. I told you at the wolf den, no more Downworlder business. We can’t be seen as interfering with a Pack-Alpha dispute. How can you even ask m-”

 

And Jace chose then to interrupt him, mostly to talk over him but partially to guilt him about being  _ parabatai _ . Because that’s all Jace had done recently; use the bond to his advantage and not consider Alec’s side of things or the building resentment between them. When Jace finished talking, Alec huffed and hung up, not particularly willing to have this conversation right now but knowing where this was going.

 

He and Jace have always had a bit of a… rocky relationship. They are completely different people with completely different styles that, typically, compliment each other. But, sometimes, the fact that they were opposites worked against them, and they ended up at each other’s throats before long when they did experience conflict. It’d blow up- literally, the once, with a misplaced ignite rune- and then they’d talk about it and go back to being brothers. It didn't happen often, but it’s happened enough in the decade plus he’s known Jace long that he knows the signs by now. He’d even be willing to admit that he’d started half of them. Maybe not out loud.

 

But the timing was poor and it’s just one more thing on Alec’s shoulders. It’s always been a poorly kept secret that the eldest Lightwood did not do well with stress. It’s also been a poorly kept secret that he would do anything,  _ anything _ to gain his parents’ approval.

 

So when he found his mother crying in a back office of the Institute on his way out, he asked her what’s wrong. And when she wasn’t forthcoming about the problem, he changed it up. He asked her what needs to be done. They’re Lightwoods. They adapt. He will too. He’s adapted thus far. He can keep going. Anything- anything, so long as it’s for his family.

 

His mother’s answer was vague but he saw it for what it was. She was still planning, she hadn't decided yet, and so she won’t tell him. But it’s something. After a time, he left her to avoid the conversation he knew he needed to have with Jace, and the conversation he needed to have with Magnus. Neither of them were fantastic options for him right then, so he chose the training room.

 

It’s easy to forget his thoughts there. To lose himself in the  _ thump _ of the bag and with each strike of the staff. It’s not so easy when Izzy stormed in with a “Tell me you’re not going to do it.”

 

There are, honestly, worse things than arranged marriages. There are, honestly, worse things than Izzy being assigned  _ his _ job, only because she has a not-so-secret lover in the Seelie court. And there are, honestly, worse things Izzy has withstood than his temper, but that didn't mean he didn’t wince at his words after he gave her an earful probably better meant for Jace and his parents. He’ll have to apologize for that one later, too. Dammit.

 

But he did end up storming out of the Institute, ignoring her calling his name, and she had let him go. He wandered for awhile, not really paying attention to where he was going but making sure to use an invisibility rune and silence his phone. He didn’t know where he wanted to be other than “out” and “alone” and, to be fair, that’s where he was. And so if he happened to end up at Magnus’ new apartment building, where his lair could be found in the penthouse, that’s of fairly little consequence to him.

 

And he did feel kind of bad for leaving Magnus out to dry when he asked for help. Jace deserved his anger, but Magnus had, honestly, not actually done anything wrong. He hadn’t known what price the demon Valak would demand and he had warned them that things could go sour quickly… and he’d risked his life for them  _ twice _ for free, technically, since Izzy was walking around with that damned necklace. And, despite Alec’s initial dismay, from the sound of that phone call the day before, Magnus actually didn’t know what the real problem was. He just thought he did. He didn't really have any reason to take things out on him, though now that conversation was, well, even more important to have.

 

He took the elevator to the top floor and peered in the door just in time to see Magnus struggling with his magic over Luke as Clary flitted around a cauldron and- the warlock was going to pass out. Alec got to him just in time as he tipped backwards and landed against the Shadowhunter’s chest. He swallowed audibly, hoping Magnus had assumed  _ muscular pecs _ and not  _ breasts _ beneath his jacket and shirt, and offered a hand to the man gazing weakly back at him.

 

“Take what you need,” Alec said simply, “I’m here.”

 

Magnus hesitated for another handful of seconds, just long enough for his expression to change from tired to surprised, then grabbed his hand and closed his eyes. Alec could feel the  _ pull _ from deep inside him when Magnus inhaled sharply, his sputtering magic coming back to life to continue to press Luke into the couch. Jace, and Simon, came racing into the room a moment later, handing some things off to Clary who returned to her general flailing at whatever potion they were making. A shiver ran down Alec’s back as his body continued to adjust to however Magnus was draining energy from him. It was not enough to exhaust, though certainly enough for him to feel as a tangible thing, but he squeezed his eyes shut. He couldn't think about that at the moment.

 

When Luke had finished the potion that would save his life, Magnus broke off the magic and collapsed against Alec’s chest once more, apparently completely spent. Alec looked down at him with a murmured “you okay?” and the warlock effectively grunted his assent but stayed where he was. And it was nice, now that the danger’s passed, and he almost let himself think he could get used to that feeling.

 

Almost.

 

The moment passed and Magnus was capable of standing again. He shuffled Luke into a bed, the werewolf neatly wrapped in bandages, to recover from his wounds before the infection killed him instead, and Alec was left with empty arms and nothing to occupy his hands. Another bad habit of his- he had to keep his hands busy, or he would over-think literally everything.

 

Okay, he does that anyway, but it’s  _ worse _ if his hands aren’t busy, which was why he spent so much time in the training room back at the Institute. And also why he was buzzing around Magnus’ apartment, picking up dropped books to put back on shelves and scrubbing Luke’s blood out of the floor. If his cleaning took him mostly by accident into the room Clary was working hard on wearing a hole in the rug with her pacing, then that’s where it took him. At least in her unpredictability, she was predictable. She was a ball of nervous energy just after several hours of panic. He dreaded to think what the pressure of being an actual Shadowhunter would do to her. And him, since she’d actually be his responsibility.

 

So he walked past Clary without a word, making sure to find the largest pile of mess he can to try and sort things out. Much like he needed to do with his thoughts- but not here, not in this place, not so close to  _ them _ . She called out to him, trying to thank him for helping save Luke and expressing hope that his presence meant he’s made up with Jace, which he hadn't, but that wasn't any of her business.

 

“I didn’t do this for Jace,” he told her, expecting her to drop it there and turning back to the mess.

 

“Then I’m glad you did it for you,” she replied, chin raised slightly higher with a defiant glint in her eyes.

 

And then Jace found them, and damn him if he didn't forget in that moment that he’s supposed to be mad at his brother. He relished the feeling of satisfaction that echoed through the bond from both of them as they hugged, especially the extra push of gratitude that came with Jace’s “thank you” that left so much between them unsaid and yet said it all. They’d have another fight, they both know it by now, but things are a little better. You can appreciate the beauty of the clouds before the storm breaks. Or you can try, anyway.

 

The moment was over as soon as Jace turns back to Clary, of course. Then they have  _ their _ moment interrupted by Simon, reporting that Luke was settled and okay enough to maybe patch a couple holes in Clary’s memories since the bad business with Valak made those mostly permanent. Then Jace and Simon had  _ their _ moment interrupted by, well, each other, and as much fun as Alec was having by watching their pissing contest over a red-headed whirlwind, he needed to get back to what he was doing or he’ll start overthinking again.

 

Not that he was not doing that already, but it was a valiant effort and one he means to keep up. And so, Alec continued straightening things and rearranging, discovering along the way that Magnus has an impressive library of books he kept mostly unshelved and littered various places around the apartment. In fact, it was fairly safe to say that Magnus’ style of decoration was “possessions scattered around in my living space”. Maybe his quip about enjoying a dirty lair was more than just flirting. Alec knew he wouldn’t be able to stand living in such constant disarray- his own room at the Institute was neat and clean and spotless- not a paper out of place unless Izzy had deliberately done something to rile him up. She had said that was the fun of having siblings, the ability to annoy with harmless pranks. He’d pelted her with the paper she’d left balled up on his floor until she’d yelped and returned to her own room.

 

He smiled when the memory came to him as he scrubbed the couch Luke had been lying on, Magnus having drifted into the room a bit earlier to make some form of alcoholic concoction. Alec didn’t drink, so he had no real idea what it was outside of strong enough for a warlock’s expansive tastes, and hadn’t thought Magnus would be interested in sharing what was likely very expensive with someone who wouldn’t be able to appreciate it.

 

Until Magnus noticed that he was still hard at work scrubbing the couch and called over, “You know I have magic for that, right?”

 

And Alec shot back, “I think you may have exerted yourself enough for one day,” remembering the way Magnus had collapsed against him just a few hours prior.

 

Magnus ducked his head and smiled, picking up a second drink from the stand and offering it to him. “Drink break?” And Alec couldn’t help grinning in return, and really shouldn’t have been surprised that his feet propelled him up and towards the offered beverage- which Magnus lit on fire, with magic, as if just to prove a point. Smart-ass. “To us.”

 

Alec nodded, clinking his glass against Magnus’, and took a good sip. Ah- that- was not what he expected alcohol to taste like. People actually  _ like _ drinking this stuff? For fun? He must have made an awful face, because he heard Magnus let out a breathy laugh into his tumbler. “Why-” Angel, and it  _ burned _ on the way down too, “Why did you ask for me, when Clary and Jace were both still here?”

 

Magnus looked at him as if shocked. “Jace didn’t tell you?” Alec shook his head. “Doesn’t matter,” the warlock sighed, “it was a lie anyway.”

 

Mm, and he knew there’d been a lie in there somewhere. “Are warlocks always this cryptic?” He didn’t hide the flash of irritation he feels at being lied to. Magnus gave him another chuckle, turning towards his window.

 

“I’m not being cryptic, I’m being coy.” Magnus watched him through his reflection, but seemed dissatisfied with his reaction (he did  _ not _ roll his eyes), and so turned back around to face him. “Let me spell it out for you. I wanted to see you again.”

 

And Alec can’t help but say the thought that first jumped at him. “Why?” Why would Magnus want to see him again after the disaster of their last meeting? After the way their last, and first, phone call had gone? Why  _ him _ ? Why would  _ Magnus Bane _ be interested in a Shadowhunter like him?

 

But Magnus deflected the question by answering with another. “Why did you come?” He asked, looking straight at Alec like he could see into his thoughts.

 

Alec didn’t even try to keep up the staring contest, looking away and answering the truth. “I’m not sure. Seemed like the right thing to do.”

 

“For almost a century, I closed myself off from feeling anything for anyone. Man, or woman. You’ve unlocked something in me.” Out of all the answers Magnus could have given him, Alec hadn’t expected a response so raw it couldn’t be anything except truth. Except-

 

Magnus was avoiding his eyes- he had taken too long to give the warlock a response, and Alec was stunned to see a flash of vulnerability cross the other man’s face. He opened his mouth to try and work something out- and his phone rang and the moment is over. It’s his mother, demanding he return to the Institute right away for a mission. She always did have the worst possible timing.

 

“Ah-” he started, lamely, “duty calls.”

 

Magnus had seemingly composed himself while he was turned away- the flirty smile was back, accompanied by a mischievous look. “Furrowed brow. Maryse must be recruiting you for something… unseemly.”

 

Alec half nodded, then swallowed, then worked his courage back up to give the warlock a proper answer. “I- ah, look- Magnus, I- I wish I could, I just- I don’t  _ know _ what-”

 

And the other man took pity on his babbling  _ again _ \- holding a painted finger up to his lips but not quite touching. It worked- Alec snapped his mouth shut and stared at what’s in his face. “I understand,” Magnus said, as if he  _ knows _ , but he doesn’t, he’s revealed that he  _ doesn’t _ know, but that’s okay, because the gesture was enough to make Alec’s smile return anyway. “Stay for just one more drink? And then decide.”

 

Alec’s smile broadened. He has every intention on returning to the Institute  _ that night _ to get his parents off his back, considering he  _ still _ had not retrieved Clary which he was told to do  _ that morning _ . But here, with Magnus, he’d thought maybe he can maybe be happy. Maybe his boxes and lists were shit. This, here, with this man who’d just laid himself bare like that, this felt good.

 

And so he nodded, and took the drink from Magnus again. One more drink, and then back to work.

**Author's Note:**

> Now we're getting somewhere. As always, thank you for all of the encouragement and positive feedback. We'll start straying from strictly canon plotpoints in another installment or two. This one is a little longer, but this episode was exceedingly Alec-centric and I needed to flesh him out anyway.
> 
> Beta'd by the lovely BiconBane.


End file.
